Three Raccoons in a Trench Coat

They were not given bodies built to stand like we were. Still, they stood. Trembling, nervous, proud little things. They were brothers, the three of them. And they wanted nothing more than to be human.

They talked of this dream often, though none imagined they’d ever have the chance to realize it. They talked of shaving themselves bare, but even then, they said, their bodies would grow hair once more, and their stubbly skin would give them away in a crowd almost immediately. Then there was the problem of their stature, each of them only about two feet tall when standing on their hind legs. This didn’t even begin to address the problem of their limited ability to walk on their back legs. They could manage it for a few seconds or even minutes at a time, but no real human has to constantly stop walking to rest on all fours. And so, they had decided, they were no real humans. None had to say this out loud, and none wanted to dash their own hopes by voicing the obvious, but they all knew it as a silent truth.

The Discovery

So the brothers were out and about, cruising through back alleys, smoking cigarettes off the ground, drinking from half empty bottles of beer they found carelessly dropped in the street. But the beer made them hungry, and the cigarettes wouldn’t suffice to ease their aching stomachs. So they wandered out behind restaurants, digging through garbage, looking for anything even remotely edible. You must understand, however, this is not nearly as degrading to them as it might be to us. To a raccoon, anything even remotely edible might as well be a five-star meal. And besides, nothing tastes quite as bad when consumed in the company of comrades. Only those who have wandered these back alleys passing space bags between themselves and another wretched soul will understand. The dregs of society still love, but they are rarely loved by those who aren’t quite as helpless as themselves.

So they sauntered up to the backside of a Chinese restaurant looking for their own kind of takeout. One of the brothers stood on all fours in front of the dumpster, a step stool for the others. Another stood on top of him and extended his hands to the last, whom he boosted up into the pile of trash too tall for just a single one of them to reach.

And so, finally inside the dumpster, the animal fished around for anything worth eating. He tossed out dumplings, and the two brothers on the ground jumped up to catch them in their mouths. Several dumplings still ended up on the ground, but this only bothered the boys because they were unable to catch them. Nothing found went to waste, and no food scrounged went uneaten until they were full beyond delight.

So this went on for some time, the one in the dumpster feeding his brothers but always making sure to take some for himself, all three of them eating in a frenzy of dirty glee. And then, while scooping a pile of noodles onto a piece of wet cardboard for his brothers, the one in the dumpster stood completely still. If he were a human, the color would have drained from his face. Since he was a raccoon, his whiskers did a funny thing where they moved forward, then back, then forward again. He tossed the makeshift plate onto the ground with half the noodles he had found on it and disappeared into the dumpster. As his brothers reached their dirty paws into the noodles, they turned their noses up to inquire about his sudden shock, but as he rose from the trash, no words were needed to make their whiskers do the funny forward-back thing as well. Dirty, covered in holes, and wet in several spots, a large trench coat was raised above the head of the dumpster’s sole scavenger. And though none had ever truly believed this day would come, none had cast doubt entirely out of their minds.

In the Closet

So they ran back home, carefully holding the trench coat above them to avoid sullying it on the same dirty ground their feet so easily met. They lived in a dirty, decrepit old house. Two stories tall, with three bedrooms and two bathrooms, it had been condemned by the city and uninhabited by anyone besides them for the last year and a half. They did have occasional visitors, mostly homeless, vagabonds, and human dregs whom they treated with care and respect. They would hide from their visitors, leaving half-eaten bags of chips and partially-smoked cigarettes out as gifts. It was the least they could do, and it was the most they could do. The brothers saw themselves in these people, and they often imagined themselves throwing elaborate parties in their house, mingling with humans of all shapes and sizes.

On the night of the trench coat’s discovery, the house was empty save for the brothers. They carried it into the house, up the stairs, and into the closet where they kept the rest of their human garments. Too small for a grown person to move around comfortably, it offered the brothers ample room to try on shoes and pants (often made for toddlers) and walk around like sophisticated members of society. So there they were in the closet, gathering shoes and pants and shirts to go along with their new article of clothing, their terrifying potential finally becoming apparent to them. Almost as if by instinct, one stood on his hind legs with his arms to the sky, then another on top of him in the same fashion, and finally, the last took his place above all of them. From top to bottom they were Lulu, Zuzu, and Poopoo. In raccoon culture these are very distinguished names, but even they knew that any human would think of them as strange and foreign if they introduced themself with a name like Poopoo (Poo for short). So it had been decided long ago that if they were to ever realize this bold fantasy of theirs they would introduce themself as a single person with a single name. Dave was the name they had chosen, so Dave was the person they would become.

Anthropology Lesson

After about thirty minutes of trying to pull on pants and shirts to fit over them while they stood stacked as one, they decided on the arrangement they’d be leaving the house in: with Poopoo on the bottom, Zuzu above him, and Lulu on top, they would wrap the trench coat around themselves and enter the world with nothing underneath, save for a pair of sneakers Poo would wear to conceal his dirty paws. The trench coat was ragged and filled with holes, however, which would expose the brothers to the prying eyes of the public, so to protect their unfortunate bodies they patched the holes up with duct tape applied to the inside of the coat. Because they were born with bodies such as theirs, Lulu, despite being nearest to the sleeves, couldn’t extend his arms all the way through them; they were simply too short. The raccoons had foreseen this issue, for they had two toy grabbers that closed themselves around objects in a fashion similar to that of a real hand. Of course, being found in the trash with the rest of their belongings, these toy grabbers did not match. One looked like a human hand which closed itself when pressure was applied to the lever at the other end, and the other looked more like a robot’s hand, with only two fingers closing into a single point. It would be difficult to use this as a real hand, but it was sufficient for their purposes. At the very least, it would do in a pinch until they scavenged something better.

They managed to wrap the coat around themselves, stick the grabbers through the sleeves, and pull two mismatched sneakers onto Poo’s feet, but the most important preparation had yet to be completed. The two brothers on top were ready to run outside and scream “DAVE! DAVE! MY NAME IS DAVE!” but Poo knew they were not yet ready to meet the human world on equal footing. Catching them in their excitement, he threw them off his back and dragged them back into the closet to explain the intricacies of human society.

“Humans,” he explained, “believe themselves to be terribly sophisticated creatures. From our point of view, their world seems wholly different from ours. Despite this, they are still creatures, and their world is ours as well.”
“They don’t like to eat garbage, though they throw plenty of food away. And they don’t like scavengers, like the rats or the possums or us, though they still leave their food where any dumb animal can find it.”
“Like in the trash!” chimed Lulu.
“Yeah, they put it in trash cans,” added Zuzu. Poo simply nodded at this, then added, “despite the wonderful abundance of food humans are willing to throw away, you mustn’t take this as an invitation to eat food already designated as trash. Any human caught eating trash will be outed as an animal almost immediately.” The two brothers listening nodded their heads at this, seemingly contemplating the implications of this knowledge. Really they were just thinking about eating trash.

“Another thing about humans,” Poo continued, “is that they don’t steal, but-”
“Ooh, ooh! Teacher!” shouted Lulu, his arm raised, his eyes wide. With a sigh and a gesture in Lulu’s direction, Poo allowed his brother to speak.
“How do they eat? If they don’t steal, I mean, or eat out of the trash, where do they get their food?” Poo barely acknowledged this question, opting rather to continue his previous statement.
“As I was saying, they don’t steal food, which is a terrible offense in human society. Instead, they trade food and other nice things for money, which is a concept too difficult for you to grasp just yet. Just know that with enough money, any human will give you anything you want. If you have no money, you are worse than dead to a human.”
“Interesting, interesting,” the two brothers muttered, lost in thought once again. They were wondering if human money took the form of shells or rocks, or something entirely different, like little bags of sand.

This went on for some time, with Poo explaining difficult concepts like chewing with their mouths closed, urinating in bathrooms (as opposed to back alleys), and using foreign terms like “please” and “thank you”. Eventually it occurred to Zuzu to ask, so he said to Poo, “How do you know so much about humans?” After a short pause, Poo responded, “You know this has been our dream for some time. You know we’ve wanted nothing more than to join the humans, mingle with them, truly become one of them. I’ve longed for this just as deeply as you have, but I never thought we’d actually be doing this. To cut this short before your attention expires, I have spent much time observing humans in public, watching through windows, occasionally sneaking into homes and offices to watch them at their most vulnerable. I would take these observations and use them to fantasize about my own hypothetical life as a human. In my mind, I saw myself waking up in a bed, showering, shaving, driving to work, making small talk by the water cooler… I saw visions of birthday parties and Christmas trees, of road trips and simple visits to the grocery store. And of course even now we could steal a Christmas tree if we wanted, and we can go to the grocery store whenever we want, but if anyone saw us for what we truly are, I think they would probably kill us.” Sensing that Poo was at the end of his monologue, Zuzu nodded his head once more as if he was taking this all in. Really he was thinking about picking his nose and eating his boogers. Lulu was already trying to stick his tongue into his nose. Poo sighed and wondered how long it would take for them to be stoned to death.

So they were finally ready, or as close to readiness as they might hope to achieve. Their lessons completed, their bodies hidden, and their hearts full of hope, the boys finally took their first tentative steps out of the closet. More accurately, Dave took his first steps as himself.

Out on the Street

Being an amalgamation of three distinct beings, Dave had some difficulty navigating his new life. Poopoo, the legs, wanted to go one way, but Zuzu, the heart, smelled something tasty in the opposite direction. Meanwhile Lulu, the face, had little direction at all. He’d never felt so comfortable around humans before, and his mind was preoccupied with taking in all the faces and scents of the people suddenly so accepting of his presence. So Dave wandered from street corner to street corner, not doing much of anything or interacting with much of anyone; he simply used his first few hours with his new body to become accustomed to himself. Dave learned from the signs around him (read to the others by Poo, the only literate one in the group) that he was in New York City. He also learned that just about every pizza shop they passed happened to have the best pizza in town. What a coincidence, he thought. What a coincidence indeed.

After some time spent wandering around the city, Dave had finally built up the courage to interact with the locals. He didn’t know exactly how, so Poo carefully instructed Lulu on what he might say to a stranger on the street. So using Lulu’s face and Poopoo’s wit, Dave hobbled over to a human on the street and said to him, “Which way to 21st street?” Glancing at Dave out of the corner of his eye, the human pointed with his thumb and said, “That way.” Beaming with pride at this successful encounter, Dave practically shouted “Thank you!” back at the man before walking in the opposite direction (Poo couldn’t see which way the man had pointed without peeking out of the coat, and not wanting to reveal himself he had chosen to stay hidden).

Finally ready to face the human world head-on, Dave expressed, through Lulu and Zuzu, his desire to enter more intimate public spaces. Reminded by Poo that the man had no money and smelled rather bad, the group decided to try and get themselves a job. Despite sensing the obvious holes in this plan, Poo let the group steer him to a coffee shop where they might at least learn more about the human world by interacting with it on a personal level. He once again wondered how long it would take for something truly terrible to happen.

Dave made his way into the little coffee shop, eager to get his hands on some money, as well as to gain some experience in talking to other humans. The girl at the front counter watched as Dave struggled with the door, trying to grasp it with hands that barely seemed to function, eventually shoving one hand through the door handle and yanking it open, squeezing his body through in the seconds it took the door to close again. She watched as he shambled toward her, leaned on the counter, and proclaimed loudly, “I want a job!” She looked up and down at Dave’s tattered coat, which combined with the putrid stench it emanated, did not make the best first impression.
“I’m sorry, sir, but we’re not hiring right now,” she replied. Already frustrated and confused, Lulu pointed to a sign behind her and yelled, “Oh yeah? Well what’s that say?” The girl turned her head to see a piece of paper taped to the wall reading “NOW HIRING, APPLY INSIDE.” This had been a genuine question from Lulu, who couldn’t read, but the girl was embarrassed nonetheless. Her hands shaking out of shame, she reached under the counter and handed Dave an application.
“If you could just fill this out, I could…” Her voice trailed off as Dave stared blankly at the paper. After a few seconds, he turned his face up to her and said:
“I can’t read.” While the girl was trying to gather some kind of response to this, Dave added, “Or write.” Suddenly she found the intimidating idiot who had wandered into her shop more pitiful than alarming. This put her at ease, and she continued more confidently than before:
“I’m sorry, but we require basic reading and writing skills for all our employees here.”
“Darn!” went Dave, in an exasperated fit of hunger and annoyance.
“Well,” he continued, “if I can’t work here, can I at least have one of those cookies? I haven’t ate nothin’ all day.” Dave tapped the glass on the front of the counter, which held an assortment of pastries and baked goods. The girl felt relieved to finally be done with the employment conversation, and said to Dave, “Of course, sir, that’ll be two-ninety-nine.” She was met with another blank expression and another several seconds of silence, followed by the strange man reaching into his pocket and rustling around for a moment before dropping a collection of shells and rocks on the counter.
“I believe,” began Dave, “this should cover it.” A wry smile was pasted on Dave’s face, and Poo feared an assault of hot coffee from the girl at any moment. Rather than violence, however, the girl responded to Dave’s pathetic bluff with sympathy.
“Yes… yes, I believe this should cover it.” She counted the shells and pebbles with her finger, sliding them into neat piles as she did so.
“Great! You can keep the change!” The poor girl couldn’t help but smile at this, and she told the man he could have a seat while she warmed up his pastry. Satisfied with his trickery, Lulu patted Zuzu on the head, who in turn patted Poopoo, letting him know it was time to walk. After fumbling with the chair for a minute, the brothers finally sat down. To keep the shape of a human, Poopoo sat on the ground, Zuzu sat on the chair, and Lulu stayed put on Zuzu’s shoulders. Lulu started bragging to his brothers about his successful bluff, saying, “See that? Good talk, huh? She didn’t even realize I didn’t give her real money!” Zuzu, being less socially inept than the brother above him, heard the girl’s sympathetic tone and knew exactly what had happened. He simply responded, “Yeah, buddy. You did great.” Poo said nothing about any of it. He was simply relieved that their cover hadn’t been blown.

Soon the girl came over to Dave’s table with her arms full, carefully setting down several plates in front of the man. Having prepared a full meal for the man who was lucky not to have been chased out of the store with a broom, her generosity was allowed to blossom. Unable to contain his excitement, Lulu turned to her and shouted “Wow! Thanks!” with a big, toothy smile. The girl simply smiled back at him and walked back to the counter, allowing Dave to enjoy his first proper meal. Among the plates were cookies, muffins, bowls of fruit, a cup of hot cocoa and one cup of coffee. So Dave began to dig in, leaving his prosthetic arms dangling in the sleeves of his coat while Lulu reached his paws out and grabbed food to pass down to the others. The boys shared the treats amongst themselves, passing them back and forth so that everyone could try everything. Lulu enjoyed the pastries the most, while Zuzu filled his stomach with fruit. The coffee was too bitter for either of them, but Poo drank it up with glee. Then there was the hot cocoa, which all three of them greedily slurped up.

Having successfully eaten in a real restaurant for the first time, Dave waved to the barista as he slammed into the door, pushing it open with the sheer weight of his body. Back on the street and more invigorated than ever, Dave picked a direction and confidently strode toward it. Too distracted to pay attention to his surroundings, Lulu failed to alert Poopoo of the countless people walking the opposite direction. So Dave bumped shoulders with about a dozen New Yorkers in the first five minutes after leaving the cafe, Lulu proudly proclaiming “Sorry!” and “My bad!” less as a form of genuine apology, and more as a way to prevent people from getting mad at him. Despite the glares burning a hole in the back of Dave’s head, he continued his aimless wandering through the world he was now a part of, shameless save for the legs supporting him, the same legs that quaked with fear whenever they stood still, that considered running all the way home whenever a human drew near.

Gay Rat

The sun had set while the boys were eating in the cafe, though the city was anything but dark. Fall was approaching, and with it, cold winds from the North blew hard on the boys, who felt they might topple over at any moment. The wind threatened to steal the boys’ trench coat, claiming it for the endless sky above. Terrified but undeterred, Dave continued onward, looking for a safe building where he could sit and get his bearings.

Unable to read and attracted by the bright neon lights pasted all over the building, Lulu directed Dave into what they would soon discover to be a human strip club. Approaching the door Lulu saw a bouncer, and unsure of what to say, he turned to Poopoo. Poo didn’t know what to say either, because as much as he knew about human society, sex work was a field he was still unfamiliar with. Poo briefly considered ditching the brothers and running into the nearest storm drain, but he figured that if they were going to die, they might as well die together.

So Dave awkwardly approached the bouncer, who immediately saw through their disguise. Having spent several years in his profession, he had seen countless human faces, and Lulu’s scruffy cheeks and pointed ears were impossible to ignore for someone as trained as himself. Not wanting to engage in an awkward conversation, however, the bouncer turned his head to the side and let his eyes drift up to the sky. In doing so he forgot to even card the strange animal man, opting rather to open the door for Dave with a mumbled, “Uh, yeah, you’re all good.” Not knowing what a bouncer was, Lulu didn’t know why the man would bother to hold the door open for them. Assuming him to be nothing more than a kind gentleman, Dave blew a kiss to the bouncer with a wink and a toothy smile. To everyone’s surprise, this actually made the bouncer blush.

Arriving in the strip club, Dave was assaulted with terrible images of everything he would never be: perfect men with sculpted biceps, their incredible bodies on display for everyone to see. Poo peaked out of the coat to look around, and quickly stuck his head back in the jacket to silently weep. Zuzu, sticking his head out to look around, wondered if there was a chance that he could ever look like one of the men on display, though he knew in his guts he’d never compare to any of the Greek gods in the room with him now. Then there was Lulu, who simply stood transfixed, unable to take his eyes off the beautiful men all around him. He wondered if any of them would ever want to be his friend, or if they’d all just see him for the dirty animal he truly was.

Suddenly, a scratchy voice called to Dave from a corner in the back.
“Hey, you! Yeah, you, ya dirty animals! Get over here!” Dave turned toward the table the voice seemed to be coming from, but couldn’t find the speaker himself.
“Yeah, over here! Table’s not empty, buddy, so don’t sit on me!” Confused, intrigued, and weary from the sudden rush of emotion, the boys hobbled over to the table that seemed to be calling to them.

They smelled him before they saw him, but as they approached, his presence became impossible to ignore. On the table before them sat a fat, stinky rat, dressed in a tiny sports coat and dragging on a cigarette. A glass of beer sat beside him, and he gestured to the boys to sit down. Once situated, the rat introduced himself:

“Hello, fellow dregs. My name is Robby, and it’s damn nice to meet ya.” Still in shock, the boys stayed silent. Robby’s eye twitched, and he let out a rather impressive belch.
“What, is it because I called you dirty animals? Come on, it’s all in good fun! Between you ‘n me, I’m not exactly what you might call a ‘biological human’ myself.” He waited for the boys to laugh, but they didn’t. He then muttered, “In case you couldn’t tell,” which also garnered no response.
“Look, I know it’s scary comin’ out here like you have, and I know just by being the way we are, we risk lock-up or extermination or worse. But it’s real nice to meet a couple ‘a brave fuckers like yourselves. Here, I’ll get your drinks. How many of you’re in there, three? Four?” Muffled by the coat, Poo simply replied, “Three.”
“Jesus, man, what are you doing on the floor! Get outta there, you’re safe here.” Robby called one of the beautiful men to their table and ordered four drinks while the boys crawled out of their disguise to sit at the table naked and exposed. Despite this, they still didn’t feel quite as exposed as the several spectacular men dancing and grinding all around them.
“So tell me, boys, how long you been doing this? How long you been, uh, what’s your name?”
“Well,” began Zuzu, “I’m Zuzu, he’s Lulu, and that there is Poopoo,” gesturing to his brothers as he said their names.
“But all stacked up like we were, we call ourselves Dave.”
“Dave! I love that, real simple, almost like a meta-commentary on the significance of human names themselves. Definitely gets ya less glares than sum’n like Poopoo.” Robby laughed to himself, and though the boys weren’t as amused by all this as he was, they were starting to relax. A gentleman in a thong brought the boys their beer, but none had the stomach to actually drink. Robby stood up on the table to sip his beer, and Zuzu asked with impeccably bad timing, “I see the sports coat, and it’s real nice and all, but aren’t you worried about blending in a little more?” Robby glared at Zuzu out of the corner of his eye while he continued to sip his drink. After a moment he sat back down, collected himself, and said to the three of them:

“Boys, don’t tell me you came out here actually thinking you looked like a human.” The boys, in sync, picked up their glasses and each took three heavy swigs before placing them back on the table. The rat just laughed, but there was an unmistakable kindness in his teasing.
“Look, I don’t mean to put you boys down,” said Robby, eyeing them each individually, “but you can’t seriously tell me you looked in the mirror and said, ‘yeah, I look like a real human,’ did ya?”
“I mean,” started Lulu, “maybe we didn’t look perfect, but-”
“Perfect! Hah!” laughed Robby. “Look, I’m only tellin’ ya this because I care, boys, but you look — one sec.” The rat took a heavy drag from his cigarette and continued his thought, exhaling smoke with each word spoken. “Yeah, you guys look like shit.” The boys sat heartbroken in their seats, speechless as Robby continued his monologue.
“I mean, at worst you look like a bunch of animals crammed into an ugly old jacket, at best, I dunno, a homeless guy?” The rat stood up for another drink, laughing to himself and seemingly reminiscing on a time when he was even dumber than the three animals that sat before him now. As for the three dumb animals, Poo was catatonic, Zuzu was confused, and Lulu was just wondering when they’d get to eat again.

Sitting back down and lighting another cigarette, the rat began to speak.
“It really ain’t that big a deal, y’know. I mean, you look at me, I don’t even vaguely resemble a human being. I’m not trying too hard to fit in, I’m just doing it my way. And I’m happy, damnit! People may not see me and think, you know, ‘oh, there’s a little human.’ Of course not! They think, ‘there’s a disgusting animal all dressed up like one of us. Better kill it!’ And maybe I’m not exactly what most would consider a ‘real human,’ but I feel pretty damn human myself, and any bastard who disagrees can lick my hairy little nuts!” Impressed by Robby’s surprisingly nuanced ideas and unable to disagree with much that he’d said, the boys were finally on his side. Still in sync, they finished their beers with steady, relaxed sips, then set them back on the table for one of the gorgeous naked men to collect.
“There you go, now you’re getting it! Being like we are, well, it’s a shithole life most of the time. But I’ll be damned if it ain’t fun as a mother sometimes too!” Robby ordered more drinks for the table, and the boys were finally able to talk about something other than their shared predicament.

After a few hours of talking about the best dumpsters in town and that one possum they had seemingly all slept with, the boys were finally ready to move on. Saying their farewells and drunkenly pulling their coat back on, the boys collapsed in a pile on the floor.
“Ah, might as well just walk home naked at this point. Nobody’s gonna care about a couple ‘a rodents wandering the street late at night. By day, the city is theirs. At night, we — urp!” Robby vomited a cute little puddle of bile on the table, then collected himself. He then looked the boys over, pathetic and beautiful in their innocence. He reached into his wallet and pulled out a crumpled hundred-dollar bill. It was soaked in urine.
“Here, go get yourself some new clothes tomorrow. Next time I see you, you better be wearing somethin’ nicer ‘n that ragged old thing.” He handed Zuzu the money, Zuzu being the most lucid of the three. Lulu had already stumbled outside to vomit a much larger and considerably less cute puddle of bile onto the sidewalk.
“Thanks, Robby…” muttered Zuzu. Robby replied with a wry smile, only saying, “Don’t mention it, kid.” Zuzu then had a thought, and not wanting to lose it, spouted, “Hey, where do you get your money anyway?” With the same ugly grin, Robby replied, “I steal. Bastards won’t hire me anyway. Nothin’ else I can do, right?” Zuzu chuckled, and Robby silently waved the boys off as he walked to the entrance.

“Hey, Robby. One more thing.” The rat stopped and turned to face Zuzu, who was now helping Poo to his feet.
“What do you do when they find you out? I mean, what do you say when they say something to you?” The rat chuckled to himself, then spoke.
“You’re not fooling anyone, kid. They’re all gonna know what you really are. Be glad you live in New York; nobody gives a shit about nothin’ here.” The rat continued walking toward the entrance, and said his final goodbye without turning his face to see the boys off:
“Get home safe, ya bunch of freaks!” The door closed behind him, and the boys heard his curses and screams as he stepped into the pile of vomit waiting on the sidewalk outside.

Sunday Morning Hangover

With only vague recollections of the night before, the boys awoke in their house with aching heads and empty stomachs. After a cacophony of burps and coughs filled their living room (the floor of which they had been sleeping on), Lulu finally voiced the first somewhat coherent thought:
“I’m huuuungryyyyy,” he moaned.
“Mmmn,” replied Zuzu. Poo threw up on the floor.
“I’m hungry too,” said Zuzu with considerable effort. “We’ll go find some trash or… I dunno… garbage pile to eat out of…” Poo farted. Lulu screamed.
“No! I don’t wanna eat any more garbage! I want real food!”
“Lulu…”
“I want a hamburger! With cheese, and bacon, and no lettuce!”
“Lulu, we can find you a burger in the trash,” responded Zuzu. After listening to his brothers’ bickering for long enough, Poo finally chimed in.
“Actually,” he said, “I think it’s called a cheeseburger when it’s got cheese on it.” The room was silent.
“But,” he continued, “I have to agree with Lulu. I want real food too.” Zuzu sighed and thought of the money the rat had given them.
“Alright, assholes, you win. Let’s go get some burgers.”

So the boys got dressed, and Dave left the house once more. They wandered the streets until they found a building with pictures of burgers pasted up on the windows. A McDonald’s. They hobbled inside and were taken by the odd sterility of the room they were standing in. It was clean and characterless, yet dirty and off-putting at the same time. They each thought about how odd human culture really was, but this didn’t dissuade them from their previous decision to eat a proper human meal. And so, wrapped in a dirty old trench coat and still smelling like urine, Dave walked up to the counter and ordered his food.

The Boys Rob a McDonald’s

Speaking through Lulu’s mouth, Dave said to the minimum wage worker, “Three burgers! No lettuce! And fries!” The worker’s dead eyes stared through Dave to the wall behind him as he entered the order into the restaurant terminal.
“Want drinks with those?” asked the employee. The boys whispered amongst themselves, and the poor worker shifted his weight between his two feet. He’d been standing for far too long, and his shoes were cheap and uncomfortable. After some deliberation, Dave replied, “One drink! Big one!” After a few seconds of delay, the worker lowered his gaze from the scruffy man in front of him to the terminal below.
“Fifteen seventy-seven,” he said in his monotone voice. Dave handed him the hundred-dollar bill, and the worker sighed at the responsibility that now fell upon him. He took out a marker and drew a line on the paper bill. The line was brown, the bill was real. Wonderful. So he opened the cash drawer and brought out the man’s change.
“Here you go. Eighty-four twenty-three.” Lulu looked at the pile of coins and bills in his hand. Confused and not knowing how to count, he said, “Where’s my money?” The McDonald’s employee blinked. “Gimme money!” he repeated. The employee sighed again.
“That’s your change, sir. Do you want me to count it?” Despite knowing perfectly well he didn’t know how to count, Lulu lost it at the worker’s insinuation that he couldn’t do basic arithmetic. Lulu swung Dave’s arms around and loudly demanded his money back.
“Do you want a refund, sir?” The employee would have run out of patience right about now had he not run out of it about six months earlier, working the same job. Lulu screamed, and not wanting to deal with the annoying mess of possibly being assaulted by several dirty animals, he slammed his fist into the cheap cash register, causing it to slide open. The worker calmly collected the money inside, totaling at three hundred seventy-nine dollars. He handed it to Dave, who cautiously accepted.
“Anything else, sir?”
“Three more burgers!” replied Dave. The worker said nothing, and after a moment of staring blankly into the wide eyes of the man in front of him, he walked into the kitchen to relay the order along with news of the robbery.

The boys waited patiently at a table in the restaurant while their food was being prepared, and though the workers occasionally came out to glare at them or whisper amongst themselves while pointing at the animal man, they were largely unfazed by this. Zuzu and Poopoo were scared out of their minds that the police would come and arrest them at any moment, but Lulu remained blissfully unaware of what he had just done.

Eventually the worker they had robbed came out with their order. He dropped a paper bag full of burgers on their table and stood before them, too exhausted to deal with their presence any longer. Lulu peeked into the bag, stuck his face inside, brought it back out and said “Where’s my drink?” Too tired for rage to properly form, the worker simply scoffed and walked back into the kitchen to call the police. Annoyed but not too bothered, Dave took his bag and left the restaurant, Lulu complaining about getting stiffed to the brothers below. Poo took off running as soon as they were out the door, and Zuzu strained himself trying to maintain balance. Meanwhile, Lulu ate french fries straight out of the bag, still not really sure why everyone was in such a rush.

Now flush with cash and feeling rather inadequate in the rags he’d been wearing for the last two days, Dave decided to get himself some new clothes. This decision was mostly influenced by Zuzu, who had to talk the others out of spending their hundreds of dollars on the most expensive liquor they could find.

Man-Made Jungle

Even on the busy streets of New York city, Dave had never seen so many people crowded into one place. Walking into the mall, the boys suddenly felt more self-conscious than they ever had at McDonald’s or the strip club. The overwhelming scent of perfume invaded their senses, and their own odor finally became apparent to them. Then there were all the people dressed in expensive clothes, with shoes that matched belts that matched handbags, all finely accenting shirts and pants that were either fitted or baggy depending on the person. The boys wanted to feel as confident and free as all the fashionable freaks around them, so they headed into the first clothing shop they came across.

Entering the store, Dave found himself surrounded by white, glossy walls covered in dresses and crop tops. There were booty shorts and blouses, bras and lingerie. Overwhelmed as they already were, the boys didn’t seem to realize the store they were in did not cater to them. But then, no store they entered would offer them anything but scowls and side eyes anyway, so it didn’t matter much that the boys were picking out expensive women’s clothing for themselves.

Approaching the section made for taller women, Lulu awkwardly examined a dress that should have fit the three of them well. He picked it up, sniffed the fabric, and chewed on it a little. Poo still quaked on the bottom, and Zuzu grew impatient with both of them, but both waited silently while Lulu inspected the dress.

Having made his decision, Lulu whisper-shouted to his brothers, “I want this one!” Poo instructed him to ask for a dressing room, which he did. The woman at the counter looked incredulous when Dave approached her and asked to try the thing on, but she directed him to the dressing rooms regardless.

Finally safe from the prying eyes of the crowd, Dave undressed and let the three brothers free. Poo sat on the ground, sweaty, tired, and anxious, while Zuzu stood leaning against the wall. Then there was Lulu making funny faces in the mirror.
“Alright boys,” began Lulu, “let’s see how it looks!” His brothers glared at him but obliged, and they stood in a tower of fur once more, awkwardly pulling the dress over themselves.

The dress, a dark blue that stretched from Lulu’s neck to Poopoo’s knees, fit about as well as you might expect. It squeezed the middle, leaving Zuzu little room to breathe. Then there was its lack of any way for the two lower brothers to peek out and look around, and the odd way it fit around the chest area. And of course, with no sleeves, there was no way to conceal the grabbers Lulu had been using as arms this whole time. With Poo and Lulu adequately discouraged, Zuzu proposed an idea he’d been forming in his head since their meeting with the rat. The boys wriggled out of the dress and Zuzu sat them on the floor in front of him. With Poo staring into the tiled floor and Lulu observing himself in the mirror, Zuzu addressed them as frankly as possible.
“It seems,” he began, “that we will never look much like a real human, regardless of how much we may try.” Neither of the boys responded to this, though Zuzu’s words echoed in their minds.
“So why don’t we just give up?” Lulu turned his head to face Zuzu, and though his head didn’t budge, Poo’s eyes flicked up to meet his brother’s as well.
“What I’m saying is, why don’t we stop trying to be exactly like them? We already know we’re pretty bad at it. So let’s just do whatever we want, like we always have.” Poo and Lulu looked at each other, then back at Zuzu. Zuzu finally had them. He continued:
“Just think about Robby. He’s out there doing whatever he wants, and nobody bothers him!” Poo chimed in here, saying “I think one of my few memories from last night was of him describing the people who are always trying to poison him or step on him.”
“And he’s still kicking!” Zuzu exclaimed.
“Look, all I’m saying is we don’t have to be so afraid of humans. We’re tough. We can handle whatever they throw at us.” Seemingly in agreement, the two brothers stood up to meet Zuzu at eye level. For one final encouragement to let all hell break loose, Zuzu said to his brothers, “Let’s get dressed, boys.”

Naked, free, and unstoppable, Lulu flew out of the dressing room and into the store, frantically grabbing anything that caught his eye. Coming out next was Zuzu, who held Poopoo’s hand as he led his brother around the store. Lulu ran in circles around the perimeter of the store, picking out something new with each lap he made. Zuzu led Poo around, staying by his brother’s side to give him the strength to persevere through the glares and whispers coming from all around them. While his brother slowly made his selections, Zuzu picked out clothes for himself, and before long, the three of them were back in the dressing room.

Out of the Closet, Into the Fire

The boys, terrified as they still were, prepared to leave the safety of the dressing room for the blinding lights that awaited them outside. Lulu was dressed in clashing colors, having grabbed everything that looked fun or interesting to him. He wore a dress adorned in flower petals, red slippers, and a wide-brimmed summer hat. Zuzu was dressed more conservatively, though more of his body was exposed. He wore a pair of blue jeans with a brown belt and no shirt. He didn’t have any shoes on either. Then there was Poo, whose choice of clothes scared him to the core of his very being. He had picked them out while holding Zuzu’s hand, saying “I want to wear it, I want to look pretty. But you can see right through it. Everyone’s gonna know, Zuzu, they’re all gonna see right through me.” His brother squeezed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, “They already know, Poo. Everyone knows. It don’t matter what they think. Just wear what you want.”

Poo wore a sheer, black skirt with a pink blouse. As Zuzu unlocked the dressing room door, he knew that at any moment he would be caught and thrown in a bag with the rest of the animals that wanted to be anything but themselves. He knew that it was only a matter of time before some religious fundamentalist stoned him to death because whatever book they followed didn’t allow their coexistence. But as scared as he was, he finally felt free.

The door swung open, and Lulu shoved past Zuzu to be the first one out. As ashamed as he felt on some deep level of his being, nothing could overpower the pride brimming within him. He led his brothers to the counter, all of them finally ready to enter the world as themselves. They had already torn off their tags at Poo’s instruction, which they presented to the cashier as she scanned them and totaled their balance. The boys had just enough money to cover it, with six dollars left over.
“Keep the change, miss,” said Lulu with a smile, “it’s your tip!” With this, she finally recognized some amount of humanity in the boys, though she herself didn’t want to admit it. She smiled at the little men standing before her and nodded her head. And with this, they were off. Lulu leading, Zuzu behind him, and Poo in the back, still too scared to be seen from the front.

After stealing enough quarters from the fountain in the center of the mall, the boys had enough to buy themselves lunch. Lulu led to a concession stand, spilled the wet coins onto the counter, and loudly demanded a bag of popcorn. Once again, he had given the cashier too much money, and not having pockets to carry his change, loudly demanded the cashier accept his gratuity. His gratuity only totaled at about $2.78, but it was still a great deal more than fifteen percent.

So the boys sat on the edge of the fountain, eating their popcorn and wondering what they might do next. They had clothes, but no money. They had pride, but no comrades. There was still much to be done, though they all knew they were in over their heads trying to deal with the problems that faced their animal brethren alone. Quietly munching, mulling it all over, they sat together, all alone in their own minds. Zuzu wondered where they might go from there, and Poo grew more confident in his skin by the minute. Then there was Lulu, who was thinking about making another dive into the fountain so he could buy some cotton candy. That’s when the shoe hit him.

Poo Kills a Man

The shoe was shiny and brown, with thin laces that looked more expensive than the whole of Lulu’s outfit. Of course, these details were lost on Lulu, who fell backward into the fountain immediately following the impact.

The shoe hit Lulu right above the brow of his right eye, and though his beautiful new clothes were ruined, he didn’t seem all that bothered by the sudden shock or the unexpected dive. He had, after all, been planning on wading into the water to retrieve the rest of its bounty sooner or later anyway.

His brothers pulled Lulu out of the water and sat him back down on the fountain’s edge, shocked and furious at the assault. Dizzy and unaware of the situation, Lulu grabbed another handful of popcorn and went back to munching.

Directly in front of the boys stood a man in a suit wearing only one shoe. He had short black hair that was combed neatly to the side, and his hands were balled up into fists.
“You dirty animals should be ashamed of yourselves! There are children here, you know!” Zuzu growled, Lulu munched. Poo believed him.
“You wanna do that kind of thing, go ahead! But don’t make us an unwilling audience to your godless depravity!” Zuzu scanned his surroundings for an escape, but a crowd had quickly formed around them. Lulu sipped fountain water. Poo considered drowning himself.
“There’s no peace these days! No rest from your filth! I can’t even go to a gentleman’s club without seeing a dirty rat being served and catered to! I should drown you all here myself, goddamn scum.” The man’s last sentence was much quieter than the rest of his monologue, and for some reason — maybe the crowd’s whispers becoming clearer, maybe the clear intent in the man’s voice, maybe nothing at all — Poo finally felt like standing up for himself. Poo knew he was a human. He didn’t need this guy to know it too.

Poo stood up, and as he did so, the man started taking off his other shoe.
“Don’t you come any closer, freak!” Poo readied himself, and sensing the impending retaliation, the man threw his shoe. Poo jumped up and caught the shoe in his mouth. This finally caught Lulu’s attention, who said only “Dumplings!” Poo spit the shoe into his hand, looked it over. The man rolled his eyes, saying “Great, now I’ve got one less pair of shoes. Keep them! Not like I’d want them after you put your grubby little paws all over them.” The man looked to the crowd around him. Some were cheering him on, others were laughing. Others looked on with remorse. Smirking and distracted, the man didn’t even notice as Poo swung his arm back and launched the shoe back at him. He only managed to look back at the boys when the shoe was already mere inches from his face.

THWAK.

The shoe, being thrown by a relatively small thing like Poo, did not make much of an impact.
“Ow,” said the man, before bursting into laughter with the crowd. This left him distracted once again as Poo ran up and leapt onto him. Poo landed on the man’s chest, digging his claws through fabric and skin to hold on. The man screamed, tried to pull the animal off, and failed. Poo climbed the man furiously, quickly making his way up to the man’s well-groomed face. He ripped off hair, stuck his fingers in the man’s eyes, tore at his ears. The man fell over backward, blinded, still trying desperately to rid himself of the vicious animal. Poo ripped through his throat with teeth that were dirty with bacteria. And of course, he made a point of shredding the man’s expensive clothing as much as possible.

The world was silent to Poo. As men and women alike screamed in terror all around him, as mall security rushed to subdue him, as his brothers tried to tear him off the weak, groaning man, Poo could only think of his pretty new clothes. He thought he looked so handsome leaving that clothing store, and despite everything, he still felt that way. As his brothers dragged him to the exit, Poo wondered where he’d get new clothes if not here at this mall.

Art by Ivan Mounteer

Epilogue

It’s a quiet day in Central Park. People walk their dogs, dogs walk alone, and cats shake down the humans for everything they’ve got. The pigeons are going at it with the crows again, dumber but greater in number than their intelligent foes. A bear can be seen sitting below a tree, seemingly talking to himself. This is merely an illusion, for his companion is a bumble bee who buzzes around his head cheerfully relaying the gossip from her hive.

The world has changed since the incident in the mall. There were always plenty of animals who wanted desperately to come out of the shadows, to live among the humans on equal terms. Once both groups realized the threat of violence could protect the animals from bigotry, they came out in droves, looting Goodwills and shopping centers, learning to read and creating spaces for themselves to exist in the new world. Of course, the humans didn’t take this lying down. War was waged on the animals; they were beaten in the street, shot or tranquilized or euthanized. But that didn’t last long. Though the animals couldn’t fight their oppressors without guns or mace or any of the plethora of human contraptions built for killing, the situation was always bound to reach a breaking point. Once the ants got involved, it was only a matter of time before the human forces relented.

Most humans didn’t know they were outnumbered so heavily by the ants. Most didn’t realize ants have been waging war on each other for longer than humans have even existed. This all became terribly apparent when the excrement hit the air conditioning, so to speak. And now, so many months after the great assault on the animals, we have our first fire ant in congress. He’s fighting against the bill to outlaw the slaves his ant brethren keep, but the fact that he was even allowed to run for office was a battle won in itself.

The beasts are free, and they are in every office, every apartment, every public swimming pool the humans once called their own. Meat has skyrocketed in price ever since the mass farming system went out of fashion. Who knew cows could get so violent? Most farmers, I suppose. But then, modern society allowed most normal people to distance themselves from the violence inflicted on the cows and pigs and chickens on a daily basis.

The seagulls fell in hot water for a while, being accused of countless thefts of burgers and hot dogs now inexcusable given their legislated sentience. This hasn’t affected them much. The seagulls protect their own, and to a human they are indistinguishable from one another. And of course, though the possibility of violence always exists, the threat of animal retaliation is simply too great for the humans to risk.

Chicago was lost in the struggle. Some called it America’s greatest failure, others saw it as a resounding success. The ants razed the city, the bears surrounded the area, the crows pecked out eyes and ripped tongues out of mouths. The scavengers ate to their heart’s content, and before long, food was scarce to those unable or unwilling to dig through dumpsters. The glorious potential of these terrifying beasts was all too apparent after Chicago. Not wanting to lose more lives, more land, or more money, the president passed an executive order granting civil rights to the non-human beings who outnumbered his own constituents. Despite the growing tension, the animals had won. They were free, they were free.

And now, on a sunny day in Central Park, a lone raccoon can be seen walking calmly down the paved sidewalk. He wears brown trousers, dress shoes, and a blue long-sleeve button-up shirt that he has left unbuttoned. The sleeves are rolled up to his elbows, and his hands are in his pockets. He walks on two feet like the humans, though his bones make a loud clicking noise with every step he takes with his left foot. This is the result of surgery he had that would allow him to walk upright more easily. Many human doctors are still unwilling to operate on animals, and those who do charge exorbitant prices that no raccoon could possibly afford, so the procedure was performed by an unlicensed bear physician. The raccoon pulls his left hand out of his pocket, glances at his watch, and breaks into a sprint. Almost late, he reaches his destination just in time: a small cafe that charges too much for coffee whose production is still rooted in human slavery. The raccoon runs up to the entrance, and once he is about three meters away from the door, he slows his sprint to a confident, nonchalant stride. He adjusts the fur on his head and cheeks as he walks into the establishment. Once inside, he asks for a manager. His interview was scheduled in advance, and though this is his eighth for the week, even he doesn’t realize this will be the first place that will be willing to hire him. The barista at the counter asks for his name. Relaxed, smiling, and finally human, he replies, “Pazuzu. Great to meet you.”