I Want to Kill Myself

Look, I know what you’re thinking. This is clickbait, obviously. Some kind of silly little ruse to get people to read my silly little article. I don’t actually want to kill myself, right?

In a sense, you’d be correct.

All of this is silly. Really. All of it. My whole life is just a silly little game I play with God. But I’m not trying to put myself down. The same goes for you, dear reader! It’s all silly! All of it! This whole life thing reeks of silly! So let’s discuss the pills I hold onto in case I ever need to commit suicide.

Just a couple of xanax, that’s all I’ve got. They’re the strong ones (blue), but they’re probably not enough to kill me on their own (I’ve learned this the hard way). Of course, I could probably get my hands on some liquor in a pinch, if I really needed it. Nothing’s that hard if you put your mind to it. You’d be amazed at how much you can achieve when you just stop getting in your own way.

I’ve been holding onto these pills for a while now. When I first bought them I planned to use them for their intended purpose (getting high), but I soon entered a part of my life where I no longer wished to be perpetually strung-out. For a few fleeting months, I was happy. Truly, truly happy. I woke up in the morning grateful for the chance just to be. Oh, how incredible it is just to exist! This fulfillment came from my own heart, from nothing but my joyous soul. And this fulfillment opened doors for me, or at least, opened my eyes to doors that had been in front of me for ages without so much as a glance from me. I remembered Love, that glorious feeling, that primordial force, that which will drop the atom bomb and spit in the face of starving children and kiss you on the forehead when you feel all is truly lost. So I found love once again, and I let her take me where she pleased, do with me what she wanted. I woke up high, already lost in the closed eyes of that incredible person I let control my fate. I spent my days among the clouds, knowing I could fall and be safe because my love would be there to catch me. And if every bone in my body was broken, crushed to a pulp, I knew my love would be there to pat me on the head and remind me of my purpose.

To love.

And to be loved.

That’s all there is to it.

So of course I had to get rid of this disgustingly wonderful thing in the most vile way possible. Oh yes, I threw it away. I should say, I threw her away. The greatest lovers in the world also happen to be some of the most crooked pricks you’ll meet, you know. So I ruined it. And she left me. And I saw her post a picture with some guy that looked like a more-handsome version of me. And I thought that if I ever met him I would kill him. But for the time being, let’s focus on the guy who’s really in danger of losing his one shot at life: Me.

Yeah, I wanna kill myself. Good God do I wanna kill myself. It’s a visceral feeling now, like an itch I can’t scratch. I wanna burn, cut, stab, you name it! And it never stops. My actions, my words, and all my decisions — they follow me wherever I go. I’m haunted by them, haunted by her. No, that’s not right. I’m haunted by myself. This poltergeist that shovels cigarettes into my mouth, that presses down on the accelerator when I’m already driving forty over the limit. It wants me gone. I want me gone. Say, I think I’ve got some pills I could take for that…

So where do we go from here? I’ll tell you where, but I doubt you’re gonna like it! They always say ‘nowhere to go but up,’ right? Baloney! Every time I think I’ve hit rock bottom, someone whacks me over the head with a shovel! Believe me when I say, you haven’t even begun to suffer. There’s more pain waiting for you in this world than you can possibly imagine. No matter what you try to do to avoid it, it’ll find you. You can hide, and shelter yourself from the storm outside; you can face it head on, and accept the simple consequences of being a human being — No matter what you do, when it hits you, it’s gonna knock you on your ass.

So I still wanna kill myself, so what? I’m not unique, I know the statistics. But listen: When I say “I wanna kill myself,” I’m not just giving into my weakness. On the contrary, I’m standing up to it. I’m saying, “listen here God, you insufferable prick! And you, World, who wishes only to bring about my destruction — I’m not stronger than you, I’m not. And to be honest, I have no idea how I’m even still standing right now. But I won’t let you win. It’ll be a cold day in hell when you finally conquer me. So do what you will, and I’ll endure it. I’ll suffer through this for as long as I must, for I know better days await me. Be it days, weeks, months or years — I won’t let you tear me down as you have done to so many others in the past.”

I’m sitting in a gas station parking lot right now. I’ve been smoking too many cigarettes and driving way too fast because the rats in my brain have been acting up again. But even so, I’ve managed to find a bit of solace in this two-dollar pack of Sour Patch Kids. And as fleeting as it may be, I feel happy right now. So I’ll hold onto that, and I’ll try to hold on until the next brief moment of comfort allowed to me by this cold universe. It’s gonna be alright. No matter how bad it is right now — I promise you, it’s gonna be alright.